Reflections
by F91
Summary: Megane Alpine thinks back to the past, her relationship with her squad, and how Lutecia entered into the world.


If I had to pick a word to sum up what I felt when I first met Zest, I guess it would be fear. I was fresh out of the academy, so who could blame me for being intimidated by the large man who would be my superior from that day onward? I squeaked my way through an introduction and he just looked me over with that stone gaze of his, gave a little nod and sent me on my way.

Quint had a good laugh when I told her about that. She was older and had graduated the academy a few years before I did, but I had always considered her a close friend. I was glad to have been assigned to the same squad as her, but then I began to wonder if I could survive under such a scary superior.

Quint had assured me that Zest was actually a nice guy, but I wasn't so sure. Then I remembered I really shouldn't judge a book by its cover. My summons might not have been the cutest things around, but they were all gentle creatures. Zest could be the same, right?

Well, that idea had quickly been debunked when we had our first inter-squad practise match. He thoroughly wiped the floor with us easily, not holding back even an ounce of his power. While we all were sprawled on the ground, he just looked down on us, pointing out how weak we were and that we had a long way to go.

When I asked Quint how she thought Zest was a nice guy, she just laughed nervously before running off, claiming she had to meet her husband or something.

Eventually I got used to the swing of things in the squad. I became more friendly with my other teammates and the training sessions became less painful over time, but my opinion of Zest didn't change that much. He didn't seem to open up to any of us, not even to his aide.

It was by chance I saw him in the hallway one day, walking besides a man I didn't recognise. They were talking about something, but it didn't reach my ears. I knew it was bad manners to do so, but I couldn't help but stare at them because Zest was… smiling. As he talked to his companion, my commander actually looked happy. I had never seen such an expression on his face before; in fact I had believed his muscles wouldn't allow for it. I distinctly remember thinking that he looked rather handsome like that.

When I asked Auris about it afterwards, she told me that the other man was actually her father, Regius Gaiz, and that he and Zest were old friends. Well, that certainly explained why they seemed so close.

I suppose it was learning that that made me decide to sit with Zest when I saw him eating alone that one lunch hour. He suddenly seemed more approachable and when I asked to join him, he didn't refuse. I'll admit I still couldn't think of what to try and talk to him about, and it did make things rather awkward, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I tried again every lunch hour after that, eating with him and trying to strike up conversation. I could feel Quint's goofy grin on the back of my neck and I'm certain she had the wrong idea. Well, I would deal with her later.

Eventually I brought up a topic that should have been an obvious one.

"Why did you join the TSAB?"

Zest just kind of… blinked at that. He probably wasn't expecting me to say anything, let alone something like that. But he answered just the same, and his reply was probably something I should have seen coming.

Basically it was so he could protect the people and uphold justice.

It was so simple and almost childish in a way, and I found myself smiling. Perhaps he had taken that as me belittling him so he frowned and inquired about my behaviour. I panicked a bit, but quickly assured him I wasn't mocking him and that I felt the same way. I had joined the Bureau because I wanted protect the innocent from those who would do them harm.

It was small, but that was the second time I had seen Zest's smile. It was almost worth what he said next:

"I see… Then we'll have to double our training to make sure we don't fail in that goal."

My squad mates were rather displeased with that turn of events!

My fresh perspective of our leader also allowed me to see the deeper meaning in his blunt comments. His cold words contained helpful advice for us to improve and by taking them to heart, I found myself becoming better all the time.

Now that I think of it, the results of my training never got that much of a chance to be seen. I would still fulfil my duties as a support mage, backing up Qunit as she charged forward and smashed through enemy lines, but defending myself was the least of my worries.

In front of me would always be Zest's broad back, ready to guard me from any threat that breached our line. Any time an enemy got close Zest would swoop in and take them down before any harm came to me. When I had started out I was always afraid the worst would happen in battle, but eventually the sight of Zest's back became a symbol of reassurance. It put me at ease knowing that he would protect me.

At this point I had developed a deep respect for the man and any negative thoughts I had of him were gone. Though he could have still stood to be a bit more social, which is why I began dragging him over to have lunch with everyone else. All the happy, inane chatter that usually erupted would inevitably draw up the corner of his lips and I was glad to see it.

Naturally Quint made sure to tell me constantly that what I felt for Zest was more than respect. That woman was always the tease, suggesting that Zest and I go on a double date with her and her husband sometime, and I did humour her by saying I would think about. I really did think Quint only kept on that topic at the time to distract herself from recently learning she was unable to bear children. She had been devastated by that news, so I wanted to help cheer her up somehow. I never gave much thought that what she was saying about my feelings could be true.

Then came the day that changed everything.

It truly was a horrible day for our team. We received an alert that a residential district would be the target of a terrorist attack. The targeted area was a significant distance away from our outpost and we tried to get there as fast as we could, but… we were too late. Several city blocks were reduced to rubble, and I never learned the final death toll. It was truly hell, and we had been unable to prevent it. There was another side to that as well, though: a naval detachment had been closer to the scene than our team, yet apparently they couldn't be bothered with the affairs of the ground forces. What was with that? Were we all not part of the same organization? Weren't we all dedicated to protecting the same people?

We returned to our dorms with heavy hearts and tried to rest for the duties that awaited us the next day, but my feet ended up taking me elsewhere. I knew why I ended up at Zest's door. I was extremely worried about how he was handling things. At the scene he had kept his usual stern, professional demeanour about him, but I just knew that he was hurting more than any of us. He believed so firmly in the TSAB and its mission to protect others, there was no way he wasn't devastated by having it fail him like this.

I knocked softly, but received no answer. After a moment I tested the door and found it unlocked. I excused myself as I entered the darkened room, quickly locating my commander sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes fixated on the screen showing news coverage of the incident.

He gave me a quick glance from the corner of his eye to acknowledge my presence before returning it to the screen. I inquired if he was ok, but again I received no response. I moved to face him and try again, but my words died when I saw his weary face and hollow eyes. The look of defeat was something I never thought I would see, but here was my mighty squad leader looking utterly broken.

I… I honestly don't know why I did what I did that night… It could be that I didn't want to see him look like that, so I did what I thought would comfort him, or it could be because I really was attracted to him and saw an opportunity to act on my desires… Well, whatever it was, the fact that I slept with Zest will never change. I still remember how it felt when we joined together. While he lay prone for most of it, his hands still held firmly to my hips and I was happy to take that as a sign he didn't oppose being intimate with me.

I left before he woke up the next morning, hoping naively that perhaps he would think it had all been a dream. I was quite disgusted with myself for having taken advantage of him like that when he wasn't himself. I couldn't believe I had done that to my superior officer… a man I respected and… loved.

Yes, it had been love, hadn't it? Well, I did not deserve such a thing after what I did.

I made efforts to avoid him as much as possible after that. Whenever I had to be in his presence I could feel his eyes on me, telling me he wished to speak with me. I just couldn't face him, though. I would act like a subordinate should and quickly excused myself, not wishing to deal with the personal matter that existed between us.

I tried to hide things as best I could, but when I spent every morning vomiting into the toilet, Quint knew what was up. I told her everything that happened and she just silently held me when I broke down into tears. At her behest, I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it came back positive.

That was certainly an… interesting moment, to say the least. I was elated at the prospect of becoming a mother but at the same time I felt ashamed about how the child was conceived. Quint told me I had to tell Zest about it, but… I just couldn't do it. It was my actions alone that lead to this, so I wasn't going to place responsibility on him. I resolved to take care of my child on my own. Quint was hesitant to agree to secrecy, but eventually did under the condition I promise to tell my child of her father one day.

When I handed in my request for maternity leave, Zest gave me a meaningful look. I was hoping he would think I had sex with other men around the same time as him, but I'm pretty sure he knew the baby was his. He just kept looking at me, expecting me to ask something of him. I know he would have agreed to help me raise the child if I asked, but I had no intention of doing so. His position already came with a great burden and I would not add to it.

Eventually my darling little Lutecia came into this world. Holding her in my arms made me forget any shame I had and I just wanted to celebrate everything that had lead to her conception. It was a shame that Quint was unable to feel the same joy I felt at that moment, but she and her husband were planning on adopting. I just hoped her children and Lutecia would become good friends in the future.

Quint hadn't visited me alone, opting to bring Zest along with her. Some awkward greetings were passed between us, never amounting to more than just "how are you doing? I'm fine, thanks." He still had that look in his eyes saying he was waiting for me to ask for something, but I held by my resolve. I wanted to raise Lutecia on my own, but… maybe some day I would ask him to be a father to her…

… If I had known things would turn out the way they did, I would have asked him right away…

That mission was supposed to be the last before we gave up that case… why did it go so horribly wrong? Our team was dead, Quint and I were surrounded and Zest was… I don't remember much after I witnessed my best friend being swarmed by those machines. The next thing I knew I was in the hospital and many years had passed…

It was a real shock, learning about what happened in the years I was asleep. Quint had died, and a mad man had used both Zest and my daughter for his own purposes. Lutecia had been twisted against her will while Zest also met his end…

It was almost too much to bear and it felt like I had lost everything, but I was saved when I learned that Lutecia was all right and that I could be with her from now on. I couldn't hold back my tears when I saw how grown Lutecia had become. She was so young yet had gone through such a horrible experience and I, her mother, was unable to prevent it. I felt like such a failure of a parent for leaving her alone.

But Lutecia told me she hadn't been alone. She told me all about the days she spent working for that monster, and that she always had a reliable knight by her side protecting her and making sure she didn't take the really terrible assignments. When she said his name had been Zest, I couldn't stop weeping.

So now that I'm finally able to visit Zest's grave, I know exactly what I want to say. Even though he failed to protect the people, his subordinates, his friend, his ideas, and his own life…

"Thank you for protecting your daughter."


End file.
